I write about religion as the object of my spite,
The enemy of my childhood,
The source of every sleepless night.
But I overlook the obvious,
The thing I loathe to see.
That without people there’s no suffering,
Religion then is dead.
So maybe blame it in on a pastor,
The leader of a cult,
That seems obvious, they’re leaders
The guardians of the lies.
But then I was just a child,
How was I to know,
The difference between god and santa,
Without my parents telling me so?
I didn’t choose to follow god,
or listen to his friends.
But I had no choice at 7 years old,
My parents chose for me.
Am I really evil?
“Of course you are,” you said.
If it wasn’t for the grace of god,
You know you’re good as dead.
I suffered silently each night,
As I prayed myself to sleep.
Slip into slumber I didn’t dare,
Without first endless repentant prayer.
I didn’t know how to navigate,
A world I didn’t know.
So you handed me a roadmap,
To help me as I go.
A bible, a book, the words of Bill,
You told me that’s all I need,
To find a path to a fuller – safer – life,
In this one and the next.
I did the best I could,
I was as enthusiastic as the best,
But I couldn’t find this peace you say,
Can only come from God.
Instead I slipped away,
Into the labyrinth of my mind,
Only there could I find safety,
God couldn’t get me there.
My friends, my world, my only hope,
Came from that dreamy world,
God knows there was no way in hell,
I’d get them in the waking one.
You told me pain is sinful,
The result of what I’d done,
To displease an angry god above,
For all he’d done for – to – me.
So I kept my feelings bottled up,
I denied they’re even there.
If I pretend I don’t have sin, I feel nothing,
God has nothing there to find.
If I let it slip, it goes too far,
I drive my nails into my head,
My one choice is to repent to him,
Before he strikes me down.
You knew all this, you were my teacher,
You said that they knew best.
That by denying me, denying I,
God could spare my fate.
But it didn’t, it didn’t work,
God didn’t spare my fate,
Your fantasies have rendered me,
Just broken, loveless, lost.
Now I have to start from the beginning,
From the day you took from me,
My life, my child, my identity,
And gave me a role to play instead.
I’ve had to start from the beginning,
I’m married at nine years old.
I’m stuck trying to raise myself,
Long since you first gave up.
You’ll never know the pain I feel,
The confusion in my mind.
As I struggle to be a human, me, I,
In a world I never knew.
Now people scare me,
And I blame it all on you.
You raised me to fear the lord,
But all I got was fear.
I hope that you’re happy,
You know I’ll never tell,
The real story about a boy who cried alone,
And never dared rely on you.
You say that god still loves me,
And you tell me I should pray.
But fuck you and fuck your sadist god,
Are things I’ll think but never say.
I wish that you could love me,
Just for me and me alone.
But I know you’re broken, too,
And I’ve lost the will to hope.
I hope you know I love you,
If for no reason then you’re mom,
And maybe someday you’ll love me, too,
The way a mother loves her son.